Introducing “Mẹ [Mom], Translated”

Dear friends,

I am sharing with you meaningful news of my project “Mẹ [Mom], Translated,” because you have helped to contribute to its fruition in some way shape or form–from teaching me about Vietnamese history, language, and Asian American identity to empowering my artistic voice to write, express, and share my work.

“Mẹ [Mom], Translated” is a mixed-media art project on love, language, memory and everything lost in translation. Inspired by the work of Viet Thanh Nguyen, I made this project intentionally not for the dominant audience. Rather, I sought to dwell on the act of translation — that universal human yearning to understand and be understood. Vietnamese words in the pieces are not always translated to English because I wanted to convey the complexity of comprehension/miscomprehension between different languages, generations, and also through the nostalgic and bittersweet filters of memory.However, I explain the concepts through poetic voice and through visual symbols, actions, and subtle gestures.

Many of the pieces in “Mẹ, Translated” started off as conversations between my mom and me. “___là gì? What does this word, this phrase mean mom?” The conversations transformed into memories, and into poetic essays and reflections. To encapsulate the textures and sounds of the in-between state of translation, “Mẹ, Translated” will take the form of film (watch and comment on my most recent film: “The Undeniable Force of Khó Khăn,”) soundscapes, and a material book.

I honestly do not know exactly where this is headed, but wanted you to be part of the journey. I feel a certain frenetic motivation that I “must” make this, and make this soon given the current political and social climate of misunderstanding and fear. But I also have had a personal epiphany recently that this project on my mother is not “my” project and thus I cannot be held by back by my own insecurities of impostor syndrome or inadequacy in creating it. This project is beyond me as an individual and uncategorizable within the simple confines of art for and about Vietnamese Americans, multi-lingual speakers, immigrants and refugees. This project is an homage to my mother, and to all of humanity–its bittersweet beauty, its complex language, and the power of story. Life is too fleeting to be afraid. It’s about time we share this story.

Please share this project with anyone who

has felt misunderstood
dances freely or uneasily between categories and languages
has used google translate with their parents and family
has been told “you are not really ____”
does not know where or who ‘home’ is
wanders and wonders why

Please share your thoughts, feelings, feedback with me at misreadingart@gmail.com

I would especially appreciate your comments on my most recent film, “The Undeniable Force of Khó Khăn.”

Follow the project “Mẹ, Translated” and film/soundscapes on Youtube

“The Undeniable force of Kho Khan” wanders the dreamlike hallways of memory, language and everything lost in translation. A poetic meditation on translation, this piece captures the essence of ‘fluid’ as a constantly changing state of meaning based on context, gestures, and tone-room-feeling. “The Undeniable Force of Kho Khan” is part of my mixed-media art project titled “Mẹ [Mom], translated.”

Artist Statement

Cindy Nguyen is a subversive artist historian who works between film, poetry, and visual narrative. She defies dominant narrative for the subtle textures of love and language.

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I was raised by the moral compass of Confucian duty, Catholic guilt, and Vietnamese refugee fears of the unknown. As a child I held on to every story my mother shared about our family’s escape from war torn Vietnam and my miracle birth in a Malaysian refugee camp. Between Catholic prayer and helping out at our family restaurant, my mother bestowed upon me her secret language of refugee survival: hy sinh (sacrifice), khó khăn (suffering), and perseverance (chịu khó).

Growing up in America, my language of expression slowly transformed from Vietnamese to English, and my mother’s cultural vocabulary became increasingly foreign but powerfully totemic. I have studied Vietnamese language and history for over 8 years, and I am now a Ph.D candidate in Vietnamese history at UC Berkeley. I now re-examine those linguistic totems of my childhood with a scholarly intensity and compassionate vulnerability. I research, write, and make art about Vietnamese culture, history, memory, and language.

On Translation

BIBO-XINHXICH

Bí

Xình

Xịch

Translation is an interpretive act. Based on context, gestures, tone-room-feeling of an uttered word, we create meaning. That meaning of the word changes each time we attempt to explain it. New iterations, contexts, interpretations, and feelings attach to the word, breathing new life and meaning.

Excerpts of Working Chapters

The Undeniable Force of Khó Khăn / Film

She used a certain vocabulary to tell her stories.

Hy sinh
Khó khăn
Chịu khó

I did not understand their precise meanings, but became familiar with their sounds. Whispers of the past professed through stories of struggle and sacrifice.

Hy sinh
Khó khăn
Chịu khó

The words were fragmented totems—heavy with a metaphysics of meaning and untranslatable into the American English of my suburban childhood realities. I held the totems in my hands, ran my fingers along their textures, and carefully placed them in my treasure chest.

The words represented my mother’s life. Each word embodied tales of worlds past, dreams lost, the impossible overcome.

Xe lửa/ Train

So this is the sound of my voice
if I, your mother, were to speak to you, my child.
Nhưng tại sao tiếng mẹ nghe lạ quá vậy?

You translated me.
Rendered me visible, comprehensible, communicable
outside of that time and place where no words were exchanged,
only faraway glances, tensed shoulders, and clenched fists.
Gestures imbued with meaning: disappointment, guilt, exasperation.

Ba / Father 23:03

23:03 Ba
I blink and the scene transforms. My father stands stiff and upright, hands in the air still clutching a cloth. No longer alone, he is surrounded by a darkness I do not comprehend.

23:03 Ba / Take 1
My brother pauses the scene and replays it again and again. My well-trained brain quiets my pounding heart with a categorical logic of explanation: three masked figures, armed robbery, Thursday night.

23:03 Ba / Take 2
My mind floats faraway, falling into a fantastical rendition of sounds, colors, abstractions of the surveillance scene. From an aerial distance I hear my father humming sweetly while cleaning the machines. A sudden crescendo and abrupt silence. Hurried steps, a gasp, muffled commands to hand over the money.

Confessions of a Vietnamese Refugee

October 10, 2008
UCLA

Yesterday, my history professor ordered me to stay after class and then apologized to me.

“We are sorry for everything that we did. Vietnam was such a beautiful place with beautiful people.”

I shifted awkwardly, unsure if this was the beginning or the end of the conversation. I adjusted my backpack bringing it up to my tense shoulders. Not sure of what else to do with my hands, I touched the split ends of my hair. I folded the corner of my final exam booklet back and forth, creasing the edge between my sweaty fingers until it ripped off.

I nodded slowly and mouthed goodbye to the last student filing out of the classroom. “You know, Vietnam was my home. I knew immediately on the first day my boots touched that red earth. I was just a little over 20, but I knew that Vietnam would change me forever.”

The Slow Undoing of Velcro Shoes

I never questioned if I was ‘fluent’ in English or Vietnamese. Until that stale suburban afternoon during my third grade parent-teacher conference, when my mom screeched “My children talk English good! She not ESL. She do good job in school.”

I remember it very clearly as a screech because all the little hairs along the back of my neck stood on end. I replayed in my head not what my mother said, but how she said it. I wanted her to stop speaking, because it resembled the scratching of distorted static—the slow undoing of velcro shoes (something I yearned for) during Catholic confession (something I feared). She sounded foreign, bizarre, comedic even. That day I learned that the English language could be something called ‘broken.’ And for the first time I was embarrassed of my mom.

Liberation Time

Liberation was a sound
repeated, whispered echoes
to cleanse and empty
the evils of the past,
the errors of the past
the past, the past, the past.
Ngày xưa, ngày xưa, ngày xưa.